Creating Relationship Magic...

2007-04-11T11:59:00.000-06:00

2007-02-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

2007-02-28T04:48:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, I have been sucked into the dark side... Reality TV. Yup, thats right. I am trying out to be on a reality TV show. Watch the video and then help vote me on.

2007-02-27T00:24:00.001-07:00

2007-02-27T00:10:00.000-07:00

The 5th Relationship-Wrecking Mistake... The Fatal 'F's or Man-lite-ous...

How to identify and avoid these heart-breaking communication mistakes.

In the past newsletters, we discussed the first 4 of the 5 most common communications mistakes:

- Case Building is the first choice we are faced with in communication. It is deciding whether we want to build a case against somebody by gathering evidence to be used against them, or whether we want to build a connection with them.

- Story Telling is when we tell ourselves a story about an observation -- and then believe it. Somebody glances at us in a restaurant and we decide that they are being critical of us and then we base our behavior on that assumption.

- The third mistake, Message Assuming, is assuming that the person we are talking to actually understand our message in the way that we intended. Or that we understood theirs.

- Cup Stuffing is trying to get somebody to listen to you when they are already feeling overwhelmed - they are in need of empathy before they can listen.

Today we will look at the 5th mistake: The Fatal Fs. The Fatal Fs are fixing, fighting and fleeing. They are a natural progression in the way we normally handle difficult situations.

Every day at your job you are paid and valued by the problems you can solve... and yet, once you go home, solving problems can be a very dangerous thing as far as your relationships are concerned.

For example, your partner comes home from work and tells you about how her boss, once again, changed her job description to include more duties.

She didn't argue this with the boss, but came home to complain about it to you. What do you do?

Well, the normal reaction would be to offer advice to help her fix the problem. Of course you can see that what needs to be done here. It's obvious to you...

So you tell her to "Just say no.... Tell the boss politely, but firmly you are not going to do it."

To your surprise, rather than being happy and thanking you for your wisdom she responds defensively. You're fixing.

Anytime you offer advice or try to education without offering empathy (listening and understanding) first, you are 'fixing' the person. And, unlike problems, people don't like to be fixed.

When your partner feels like you are fixing her instead of giving empathy, she will become angry and resist the fixing. She'll explain her side, she'll yell that you don't understand, and then you'll resist this counter attack, and the whole situation will go downhill from there. That's fighting.

And once you've fought over this same argument for about the hundredth time, the natural reaction is to leave the room and refuse to repeat it one more time. That's fleeing.

So what's the good news? The good news is that you can stop this progression by giving empathy at the very beginning, before offering education. You can make the decision to stop fixing people and start listening and understanding.

It will take a lot of practice, but it is worth every minute of it.

And how do you give empathy? Through the Language of Peace. The Language of Peace is the process of giving and receiving empathy.

Nonviolent communication has four distinct steps that help people connect: state the observation: "When your boss said ..." and then ask, "Were you feeling . . .(sad, frustrated, overwhelmed, disappointed), because you're needing . . . (understanding, acknowledgement, support)?"

Next make a request. The most useful request is to ask, "Would you mind telling me what you heard me say?"

That way you'll know if they understood. Plus, just saying the words that connect the feelings and needs can be incredibly soothing to the person listening.

Here's an assignment: the next time your beloved comes home to tell you about a situation, use the Language of Peace to connect to and understand them.

Ask, "When your boss gives you more work, do you feel frustrated and disappointed because you have a need for integrity, appreciation and autonomy?"

A conversation will proceed from there about what her feelings and needs in this situation. It may take several rounds of questions before you and your partner are able to really connect to her feelings and needs, so stick with it until she has nothing more to say.

Then you might be able to offer some advice about how to have better handled the situation. ask her first, though, if she doesn't like to hear some advice. If she doesn't want to hear it now, then at least you know before you start talking.

Not understanding "The 5 Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes" can cost you the love of the people most important to you. We've worked with parents who haven't talked to their grown kids for years over a misunderstanding. We've worked with siblings who no longer talk after a disagreement. And of we've worked with divorcees whose relationships didn't need to end, but who didn't have the communication tools to make it through.

If you'd like to receive the full report on the 5 mistakes, go to the link at the bottom of the page.

You'll see this is not just a 'little' report. This can help you avoid some of the most painful, intimacy-destroying, relationship-wrecking communication mistakes around (I know - I've made all of them!)

I realize that even with my great and wonderful teaching skills it will take more than one read-through to really make these skills your own. Read this several times. Read it out loud with your spouse before going to bed, and when you wake up. Take it on your vacation to remind yourself what you really want from your relationship and what you want to avoid....

Kristin Denton & Paul Sterling teach Relationship Communication Skills -- Live Seminars or Tele-Classes including '4 Steps To Instant Intimacy & Understanding'- '5 Relationship-Wrecking Mistakes'-- To get a free copy of 'The 5 Mistakes Report' go to http://www.magicRelationship.com/freeaccess

2006-12-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

Best Wishes from Colorado,

Where we had lots, and lots, and lots of snow.

See if you can find Kristin's car in the post card?

Lots of love,

Kristin and Paul

2006-10-11T20:22:00.000-06:00

The Four Basic Steps of the Language of Peace. . .
And a brief example of their use

Practice the Language of Peace until you can apply these skills with mastery. As you learn it, apply it more and more in your every day life and watch as it creates magic in your relationships.

The four steps of The Language of Peace are:

1. State whatever event happened in the form of an OBSERVATION
2. followed by how you are FEELING
3. next your NEEDS which were either met or not met by the event
4. and lastly end on a REQUEST

Step one is to clearly state the observation...

State what happened that stimulated the upset without any evaluation (our judgments about what happened). Our example begins with an excited husband who came home early on his anniversary to cook a special surprise meal for his wife. With the food prepared, candles lit, table set, wine poured… he waits and waits and waits. His wife arrives home two hours later than normal. By this time the food is cold, the candles have burnt out, and most of the wine is gone. The once happy husband is now rather disappointed, hurt and upset.

He meets her arrival like this: “I can't believe you are late on our anniversary! Why didn't you call? All you care about is work. You don't care about our relationship any more…” This is an evaluation (case building) not an observation and most likely will be heard as an attack, requiring either defensiveness or a counter attack. An observation may have sounded like this: “When I came home early and prepared a romantic dinner for us and you didn't get home until two hours after I was expecting you, I felt….”

Notice there is no judgment of her behavior here (and yes, this does take practice).

On step two, state how you are feeling about what happened...

...rather than saying what you are thinking about what they did. If you say what you're thinking, instead of feeling, you'll only bring up defensiveness and create arguments. From the way the husband communicated to his wife you can guess what his choice was: building a case. He spent two hours gathering evidence, evaluating and judging her behavior, thinking she had betrayed him, preparing his attack…

“You are always doing stuff like this, only thinking of yourself. You are so inconsiderate!” These are thoughts and they are not improving the connection at all. Let's look at how we would've done using LOP instead. “… I felt worried for your safety and once I knew you were safe I felt hurt and disappointed because I …”

Think about these two scenarios so far. If this was happening in your home, which approach would you want your spouse to use? The first approach or the Language of Peace approach?

Step number three, connecting your feelings to your needs...

This is an important step where we let someone know what needs of ours we're trying to meet and how that would make us feel. This ties into one of the basics of LOP, that what causes our feelings is not other people, but whether our needs are being met or not being met. What people normally do in this area rather than connect to their needs, is to get hung up on a specific strategy, hoping that it will meet their needs. They start using words and phrases like; you should do this, you shouldn't have done that, you must, have to, this is right thing to do and you are doing the wrong …

With a belligerent tone the husband says, “You should apologize and you should quit that stupid job of yours!!!” These statements are almost guaranteed to create resistance and resentment. Even if she did either one of them, which is doubtful, she would end up doing it with an energy they both would regret later. So let's see what happens when he uses LOP. Following up on the last statement “I felt hurt and disappointed because I needed some acknowledgement for how much I contribute to our relationship and celebration for how much we love each other. ”

Now onward to the fourth and final step of the LOP...

...making a clear, do-able request stated in the present tense. This can be the hardest step of all for some people because they are being vulnerable, asking for what they truly want and risking hearing that scary, two letter word, “NO.” So instead of risking the no, people are often tempted to make demands instead .

Angry and hurt by her lack of apologies and no admissions of wrong doing, he presses on, making a demand he knows will break her heart. “Either you quit your job or I'm filing for divorce!” At this point she is backed into one corner and he has backed himself into the other corner, guaranteeing no one is going to be a winner and someone is going to sleep on the couch tonight. How could he have approached this differently using what you're about to learn at one of our workshops? His request would be simple since he understands that “the message sent” (what he said) is rarely “the message received” (what she thinks she heard). So to try and understand what she heard he would simply ask , “Can you tell me what you heard me say?”

I have tried both ways of communicating; I also have the divorce to prove the first one doesn't work so well. I also now have the best relationship of my life. The tools are simple, and the choice is yours. Don't ask yourself which way looks easier. Ask yourself which way will create the connection, intimacy and understanding you desire.

Oh, yes--at any point in this dialogue, even if the husband chose to build a case, the wife could have used these tools to turn it round, to give him the empathy he needed.

2006-10-05T01:36:00.000-06:00

“Desperate Housewives...

Desperate Communication!"

All communication is either an act of love or a cry for help.

Either our needs are being met and we’d like to celebrate that with other people, or our needs are not being met and we would like empathy from others.

This is one of the basic premises of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s communication theory, Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). And the characters in the hit TV series Desperate Housewives soooo beautifully demonstrate this premise.

Take the episode from season 2, “No One is Alone.” In past episodes, Susan has remarried Carl in order to use his health insurance for a surgery she needs.

It’s presumably just for the papers, not for any real romantic interest. Meanwhile, Carl and Eddie are becoming more serious. Nobody has told Edie of Susan’s predicament and that they’ve remarried.

I was never sure why they would have kept that a secret, but truly, there ARE people who think that keeping secrets is the only way to go. That happens when they run into too much pain by being honest earlier in their lives.

to read the est of this article by Kristin Denton click here...

Relationship Communciation - The Language Of Peace

2006-09-13T09:23:00.000-06:00


Learning how to communicate in a way that creates more Love, Intimacy and Understanding in any relationship quickly... also learn about the five most common relationship wrecking communiation mistakes...

2006-09-11T11:48:00.000-06:00

"He Doesn't Listen Anymore!"

When people sign up for my eZine, The Compassionate Communicator, they can ask me a "Burning Question" about relationships and communication. These questions have become an amazing list of things that are bothering people all around the world.

There's a lot of consistency to the questions, and one I’m seeing over and over again is this: "He doesn't listen to me. Even when I talk to him about things, it only helps for a day or two, if at all. “

There was originally more to that question, but we'll just look at this part right now.

The Language of Peace (LOP) is the communication method I teach and which I'll be describing here. You can read more about it by subscribing to my eZine. Go to www.RelationshipRemodeling.com and enter your first name and email address and your will be signed up for the eZine and we will send you our special report.

LOP works by connecting and expressing the feelings and needs of both people in a conversation. So, look at our burning question: "He doesn't listen to me. Even when I talk to him about things, it only helps for a day or two, if at all. "

The first thing to say to the significant other in this case would be to state an observation, speaking from the heart, "When I was talking to you just now, you turned around and walked away...."

To read the rest of this article... click here.

2006-08-28T00:59:00.000-06:00

"Something More Powerful
Than Forgiveness"

Empathy is the process of creating heart-felt understanding and compassion for another person and their feelings and needs.

Giving somebody empathy is far more powerful than forgiveness. Empathy connects one person’s feelings and needs to the same feelings and needs in the other person, thus creating the magic of a human bond.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, implies that the person was ‘wrong’ and that they ‘owe’ the other an apology for their ‘guilt’ and that the first person might ‘forgive’ their wrong-doing.

People say, ‘If you’re truly sorry for what you’ve done, and the pain you’ve caused me, then perhaps I’ll forgive you.” But, hey! Get out of that world of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’, ‘good’ and ‘evil’, deserving and owing! That is the violent, hurtful world that we all grew up in. We’re older now and we want a peaceful, loving world. We want to create a connection with our loved ones, not build a case against then and push them away.

Remember, that all actions are strategies to get a human need...

Click here to read the rest of this article by Kristin Denton ...

2006-08-24T22:57:00.000-06:00

4 Simple Steps to Heart-Opening
Intimacy and Understanding...

Our example begins with an excited husband who came home early on his anniversary to cook a special surprise meal for his wife.

With the food prepared, candles lit, table set, wine poured… he waits and waits and waits. His wife arrives home two hours later than normal.

By this time the food is cold, the candles have burnt out, most of the wine is gone.

The once happy husband is now rather disappointed, hurt and upset .

He meets her arrival like this: “I can't believe you are late on our anniversary! Why didn't you call? All you care about is work. You don't care about our relationship any more…”

Is there a better way?

click to read the rest of the article...

2006-08-22T11:20:00.000-06:00

What's Holding you Back?

Have you ever wondered what stopped you from having the job, the money, the relationship and the life of your dreams?

This a relationship blog... so why an article about achieveing goals and getting what you want?

Because our self-esteem effects every part of our lives... and being able to achieve our goals has a major impact on our self esteem!

So when one on my internet mentors wrote this short, powerful and to the point article, I asked him if I could include a copy of PDF here so you can download it, print it out, read it and most importantly... do the exercieses.

They are Simple - Powerful - Effective...

"Discover The Incerdible 5-Step Goal Achievement System That Gives You A Positivley Unfair Advantage In Business... and in Life!" by Jim Edwards

Click here to download the PDF...

2006-08-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

"How to Get Even The Most Silent Partner To Communicate Openly and Honestly..."

One of our new subscribers wrote this as his Burning Question in the subscription form to my eZine, The Compassionate Communicator: "Trying to get along with my partner, because we really don't talk to each other. I wish that we can talk more about what’s going on with us."

First off, this is a common issue...And it’s not surprising, considering that our normal Jackal way of communicating is to build a case against somebody, prove them wrong, and then tell them how they ought to be doing things. It’s the first of the 5 most common relationship communication mistakes: Case Building. Then there's Story Telling, Message Assuming, Cup Stuffing, The Fatal Fs.

Every communication is either building a connection with the other person, or building a case against them. Every time you speak to your beloved, think first whether you’re trying to build a connection or a case.

click here to read the rest of the article...

2006-08-18T01:08:00.000-06:00

"Got Jealousy?"

So, what do humans and the frilled lizard have in common? Sometimes, when we’re afraid, we both puff out our faces and ears and try to act really, really scary. The fear in jealousy is so strong that it can sometimes make us react to situations like a frilled lizard, just to make sure that our partner gets the point that we don't want them to stray.

And how many times has that ever made your beloved admire you more? Probably not many...

People use the word ‘jealousy’ as a feeling, but Marshall Rosenberg, the creator of Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) would probably argue that it’s a thought.

For example, ‘abandoned’ is a thought -- it’s your negative evaluation of somebody leaving you. But what if they IRS abandoned you and your audit? Is that necessarily negative? No.... so ‘abandoned’ is an evaluation of, or thought about, somebody leaving you.

In the same way, ‘jealousy’ isn’t really a feeling – it’s a thought. The event may be your beloved paying attention to somebody else in a way that you think means s/he may leave you (or that they love another person more than you). It’s the meaning that we attach to the event that we label ‘jealousy.’

read the rest of the article...

2006-08-15T18:56:00.000-06:00

Desperate Housewives... Deperate Communication.

All communication is either an act of love or a cry for help!

Either our needs are being met and we’d like to celebrate that with other people, or our needs are not being met and we would like empathy from others.

This is one of the basic premises of Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s communication theory, Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org). And the characters in the hit TV series Desperate Housewives soooo beautifully demonstrate this premise.

Take the episode from season 2, “No One is Alone.” In past episodes, Susan has remarried Carl in order to use his health insurance for a surgery she needs.

click here to read the rest of this article by Kristin Denton...

2006-08-12T13:07:00.000-06:00

The Natural Outcome Of Most Communication Is Misunderstandings, Upsets and Arguments...

Yes this is most definitely an over statement but watch this short except from a TV interview Kristin and I did and you will get the idea...

56 k modem

112 k or dsl

To learn more about upcoming classes click here www.RelationshipRemodeling.com

2006-08-12T09:42:00.000-06:00

The in-laws are coming... the in-laws are coming...

It's Thursday and my in-laws arrive tomorrow afternoon for lunch.

By 8:30 this morning the carpet cleaners were here, so we had to have everything out of the way by then... including some stuff I hadn't seen in years.

While they cleaned the carpet I took two... that's right, two...car loads of junk to the dump.

It's not that we were living in a sty, it was just that there was stuff in storage that really didn't belong there -- carpet remnants, cardboard boxes (yes I collect them - everyone needs a hobby).

On the way back from the dump I stopped by the farmers market to pick up fresh vegetables and steaks to barbeque tomorrow.

When I got home, I weed-whacked the back yard down by the river. Then I weed-whacked up by the highway - I never do up by the highway.

Then I replanted the lawn (it's not going to grow by tomorrow, but it's the thought that counts.)

I stacked a load of firewood, moved a bunch of paint cans under the house, and weeded the rock garden. And al that by 1:45 in the afternoon!

Looking around the place Kristin and I had two questions...

First, how come we can get soooo much done in such a short time when we have a deadline?

Second, why didn't we do this earlier? The place sure looks great!

Okay, what does any of this have to do with relationships, you may ask?

The first is that it's amazing how quickly and effectively issues can be resolved in a relationship once we make set up a time and system to do it...

So create your own deadline for cleaning your emotional closets of old issues you may have been carrying around for years - set it for August 18-19-20 - the dates for our upcoming communication seminar, 'Creating a Conscious, Compassionate Relationship.'

Secondly, once you come and learn the communication tools of the Language of Peace -- feeling the magic and falling in love all over again -- you will be saying, 'Wow, why didn't we do this sooner?' We guarantee it, or it's free.

Yours for Relationship Success,

Paul

P.S. The seminar is only $99 per person for the entire weekend (normally $350 per person).

just go to www.RelationshipRemodeling.com/workshop

Paul Sterling
The Language of Peace
www.RelationshipRemodeling.com
970-586-7734

2006-08-11T10:10:00.000-06:00

Relationship Magic is happening at our new web-site

Kristin and I have just created a new site to help people create magic in their relationships... www.relationshipremodeling.com/FreeAccess

com check it out and get a free copy of our free special report: The 5 Most Common Intimacy-Destroying, Relationship-Wrecking Communication Mistakes.

Paul

2005-09-18T20:40:00.000-06:00

"Ever Wonder Why it's so Hard to Talk Openly and Honestly to the People You Love...?

Or Why so Many of Your Attempts to Create Understanding and Goodwill End in Frustration, Confusion and Conflict?"

From: Paul Sterling Communication Coach
September 18, 2005 11:26 pm

Dear Friends,

This site is dedicated to discovering and talking about betters ways to connection and communicate.

Compassionate communication hasn't always come easy to me.
I grew up in a family with a dad who had a strong affection for alcohol and criticism (a great combination). One of his favorite expressions was, "The best defense is a strong offense."Well, this created an environment where sarcasm was common at the dinner table, and was used as a way to hide our pain; nobody risked being open, honest and vulnerable.

I didn't like it, but I got good at using mean wit, anger, blame, shame, guilt and punishment to get what I wanted.My big brother made things even harder; he didn't like his younger brother competing with him for attention, so he made sure I knew I was in second place, using both verbal and physical violence regularly.
From a very young age I knew,"There had to be a better way to communicate!"
For years after leaving home I paid the price for my limited communication skills, my reactive, defensive behavior and my tendency to take everything personally (I'm still working on this but I have greatly improved).A divorce… followed by two broken engagements… bouts with depression… several failed businesses… and many lost opportunities for connection and understanding where just part of the cost.
...Insanity is communicating the same way overand over again and expecting different results.
I was a slow learner. For years after leaving home I would make the annual journey back for Christmas and criticism, hoping that, "this year things would be different." I was hoping that my dad would somehow have changed…What kept me stuck was my belief that to change my relationship with my dad… I had to change my dad. Once I realized that-ain't-gonna-happen, I knew I needed to change the way I communicated with him.
With that in mind, I spent over 20 years searching for... A Better Way To Communicate
So I read the books, listened to the tapes, and took the classes and seminars looking for how to change the way I related to myself and others. And then I tried affirmations, meditations, hypnosis, counseling and couples therapy. I walked on fire, broke boards with my bare hands, sat in silence (I was never to good at that) and tried many other things I am too embarrassed to mention. If "it" was out there, I sought "it" out, learned "it" and I did what I could to make "it" part of my life.

Luck was on my side, though, and I did find some great teachers. Studying with them profoundly changed the quality and direction of my life and for that I am immensely grateful. And yet, something major was missing…When things got tough, the tools I had learned so far didn't work for me--rather than behaving in some enlightened, compassionate manner, I went back to my old, painful patterns of communication.

I had almost given up when I found out about: Nonviolent Communication (NVC)(created by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., an American clinical psychologist)

Finally… I had found a simple tool that brought together all the different concepts and pieces of the communication puzzle. It was like having struggled for years with a large, complex and confusing jigsaw puzzle and then at last being given the picture. Ahh, now I see how these parts fit together! Now I know why people react the way they do when I talk to them in a certain way!

When I applied the simple, four-step process of NVC, my father and I went from arguing about the proper separation and placement of tinsel on the Christmas tree, to talking about life's most important issues.

He was able to open up to me about his fears and doubts growing up and his challenges in facing the disease that eventually took his life.Over the past six years I have taught the Language of Peace (my understanding of NVC) to:
High school students and teachers
Church leaders and Buddhist practitioners
Maximum security inmates in jail and youth in lock-down detention centers
Therapists and counselors wanting to expand the tools they have for their clients
Couples wishing for better connection with each other, their children and parents
Employers and employees wishing to improve both internal & external relations

The one thing they all had in common, was a desire to improve their communication skills.What has amazed me is that the Language of Peace has worked as well for people with PhDs as it has for at-risk high school students. In every case, I have seen incredible breakthroughs and transformations where the tools give participants insights and relief in dealing with issues that have been bothering them for years…
The Language of Peace (LOP) is a new language, or at least a new way of using language… LOP is a simple, four-step process that can help you stay connected to the people you care about in the most difficult conversational situations--creating more compassion, understanding and intimacy.

Simple, but not always easy…

The concepts are pretty simple. Most people can learn them in about two hours, but they are not always easy to apply. Sometimes our old fears and patterns overwhelm us. Our old ways of communicating come up and rather than connect, we want to defend ourselves, attack others, build a case and make them wrong, or pull away.

The other problem is it can be scary, hard, uncomfortable and embarrassing revealing what is true for us in the moment. It is much easier to accuse our lover of being cold and distant then it is to be vulnerable and ask to be held and heard, especially if we have tried in the past and have been hurt.Important, impactful and meaningful conversation is not easy, even with the best tools and skills out there.

True intimacy, as romantic as it sounds, involves risk. Talking about what is alive, important and meaningful to you, your inner fears and doubts, along with your dreams and desires... is scary stuff and there is no guarantee of how the other person is going to react.

Putting together the pieces of the communication puzzle…

The purpose of this model is to help you translate hard-to-hear messages into the heart-felt, human needs that are truly being communicated. This tool will help you build connection, compassion and understanding in all of your relationships.

What follows is a picture of the model and a somewhat simplified example of a communication situation to give you an idea of the process, pieces and power of these tools. As you read through this demonstration I will be pointing out some of the key choices we have to make when communicating, along with the 2 sides, 4 steps, and 1 purpose of LOP.

An excited husband gets home early on his anniversary to cook a special surprise meal for his wife. With the food prepared, candles lit, table set, wine poured… he waits. His wife arrives home two hours later than normal. By this time the food is cold, the candles have burnt out, most of the wine is gone and the once happy husband is now rather upset.

He greets her tardy arrival with a rapid series of questions. "Where have you been? Why didn't you call? So what was so important at work that you missed our anniversary?" He continues without waiting for a response, "I can't believe you are so inconsiderate. You should apologize for screwing up our anniversary."

If we think we are being attacked we often react by defending ourselves or attacking back, thinking those are our only choices. The problem is we often make this choice unconsciously, without even realizing we are making one, or that there is even another way. Using the LOP model, our first choice is to decide do I want to build a connection with the other person or build a case against them?

From the way the husband communicated to his wife you can guess what his choice was: building a case. He spent two hours gathering evidence, evaluating and judging her behavior, thinking she had betrayed him, preparing his attack and planning his demand for an apology….

The case building type of communication with which all of us are familiar goes like this: gather evidence (they didn't do the dishes), then make an evaluation (they never help), let them know your judgments (I feel you are lazy), pick a strategy (fix them), and then make demands (you should change or else).

What is the most likely thing to happen in the anniversary example? The wife will take the husband's comments personally and decide that since he is building a case against her (letting her know what she did was wrong and why), she will build a case against him, too...

"You have some nerve to yell at me!!! This is the first anniversary you have even remembered in the past five years. Of course I didn't rush home. I didn't expect this year to any different."

When it comes to talking, most of us have heard the expression: It's not 'what you say,' it's 'how you say it' that is important. However, few of us have been taught the secrets of 'how to say it'…In the example, the husband 'said it' in a way that made it hard for his wife to hear and very easy for her to want to go into the protective mode--expressing her pain, anger and disappointment in the form of an attack.

How can she communicate differently, responding rather then reacting, to improve on the outcome? This question leads us to the other half of communication: listening.

Here is a very important concept most people have not heard. It's not 'what you hear, 'it's 'how you hear it' that will make all the difference in the world. When we listen, we must pay attention to the meaning we give what we've heard.Does the wife tell herself, "I am being attacked. I don't deserve this; he is being so unfair"? If she does, she is likely to defend or counter attack.

"You have some nerve to yell at me …"

This is a classic case of point/ counter point, case/ counter case: two losers, no winners and someone will be sleeping on the couch tonight.But the power of the LOP model is that the wife in this instance can totally change the direction of communication by choosing not to react. The wife can choose to build a connection with the person she loves even if he is building a case against her.

How else could she have translated the husband's message? One of the basic translation skills we teach is how to hear all emotional communication as either an "act of love" (wanting to give) or a "cry for help" (wanting to receive).

Watch what happens if she hears her husband's outburst as a cry for help. The person she loves is in pain. He is requesting understanding, empathy and clarity. He loves her and wanted to make up for forgetting their anniversary in the past by giving her the gift of a surprise dinner. He is feeling hurt and disappointed because she came home late and missed it.

Once the wife can hear his words as a cry for help, she can start to hear his outburst as a beautiful message of love, poorly delivered . . . If she can hear that message, she will respond quite differently than the way most people would.

In the example, the husband said, "Where were you?" Let's translate this and see what the message underneath might be. I am guessing the real questions were, "Aren't I still important to you?" "Do you still love me?" "Can you see how disappointed I am?" "Did you mean to hurt my feelings?"

Can you hear me now?

Ever notice that when people don't feel heard they get louder, angrier and more violent? What they want is to know that they were heard and understood. For that to happen they need feedback. So here are the four simple steps used to respond, to give them the feedback they need and de-escalate the situation in a way that builds connection…

to be continued...

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